Interested in the Uninterested

I love you, {internal female composite}. Except, not really. If I did, I wouldn't get so bitter about you. I know, I acted a fool. I was afraid of losing that positive feeling, and now I'm resentful about it. Love is a kind of acceptance. To borrow from a poet I know, "I'd look the other way, for you. I'd look both ways, for you." I'll admit, I was horny, frustrated, and highly infatuated. But I forced myself to be that way. I didn't really know how a man should act. I still don't know, but more importantly, I don't think it matters how much my masculinity weighs. Being a good, or hell, decent, person is still one of my biggest goals in life. Some day you'll move away, maybe have some kids of your own. They'll be beautiful because they're yours; they'll be wonderful, because they're yours. My interest in you is unhealthy. I know. At first I wasn't even attracted to you. You seemed like the opposite of what I was looking for. But even behind your facade I see someone I genuinely like, and appreciate. I get mad sometimes and want to send something cold hearted your way. Sometimes I just want to come clean and admit I'm hopelessly fixated on you. My dad writes stupid shit like this all the time. Maybe it's something genetic. I know you're not perfect. I know you could turn around and make me feel like shit if it pleased you (and maybe someday it will, shucks). But as long as you're fundamentally that same contemplative, soft-hearted person, I'll always feel something for you. I get so stressed out that I can't think straight. It's hard. A few minutes in your presence would make everything alright. But I just can't bring myself to bother you. With every shred of sense and self control I have, I do my best to let you carry on without discomforting you. Who am I kidding? That's some love right there. Maybe if you read this, you'll pity me and throw yourself at me. It's all I can hope for, I am so desperate. That last bit was a joke, but yknow we can always talk if you're ever down. I think you'd get a kick out of how I honestly feel about you. Maybe someday when we're both with somebody, it won't be so awkward.