booty of the hoodlum rockin' my red hood

i will overcome i will overcome i will overcome i will overcome in my heart I know there is a way out. It's not an extensional exit. I can't walk away and never feel these things again. I don't want to forget hate or bitterness. I think I got exactly what I asked for. Working, making friends, going out, "moving forward" with life... It all just left me feeling so hollow. This is what I wanted. I wanted another bout of misery. Something so intense I could draw from it for the rest of my life. I will. I don't wish to be some flat, two-dimensional love box. I have so many demons inside of me. But even these demons have become my friends. To help the world, to impact the world, I need to understand more than just who I am. But some people skip that part entirely. I would feel blind if I didn't know my own nature the way I know it now. Actually, that describes it perfectly. I've felt impaired, chaotic, and empty for as long as I can remember. I've learned to slow myself, and feel. Yes, I get angry. Yes, I get sad. I've been suicidal and starved myself. I don't complain to my friends. They wouldn't understand. Sometimes I feel like the baby. Sometimes I feel like the adult. The point is, I'm different. If there's a blindspot in the human experience, I'm here to open the lid a bit further. I'll piss off progressives and conservatives alike in my lifetime. I'll never agree with indoctrination. Yes, there is liberal indoctrination. It's just as cancerous to the mind as so-called "narrowminded conservative ways." All in all, one day this blog will be used against me in court of law. I know this because our society is terrified of truth. The herd mustn't be spoiled. Hm.

rotgut

ITEeUdE. I have so, so much hate right now. Why is family so disgusting? And peers, so vapid? Maybe I'm the one that is vapid and disgusting. No... Yes. Of course I'm sick. Mentally ill. But so are they. Every day I understand more and more about human nature. We are not sacred. We are not any sort of pinacle or apex. As I watch my generation mature and grow, I feel more alien. They didn't see what I did, did they? Years ago. While they were still choking on Algebra. Do they deserve to be called people? Maybe I'm the one who is not a person. Still, there are those who shine so beautifully. I worry their light may be squandered, along with my own. "Art Degree" I... I hope you're kidding, right? Were you even an artist beforehand? Just throw some money around, I'm sure they'll "teach" you talent. Forget the unique experience. Forget give and take. You want the whole bar to yourself. I went here and saw this! But who are you, and what do you know? The names of expensive wine? I'm no STEM student. I didn't need a professor to teach me the standard library. I'm very object oriented. I am polymorphic. I know memory management. For fun. I have yet to earn a single dollar bill or red cent for my talents; and I have many. You see, I'm not a tool for my own usury. I have to respect my inner animal, and my inner saint. There is no da Vinci this year. I wait for the singularity. Not even then will I relate to you faggots. And by faggots, I mean people who get uppity over the word faggot. Fuck you, nigger. I kinda like black people, but I wish they'd let me use that word. Ahhhh. Has anyone here lived with two heroin junkies? Who steal from and lie to you? Who cry to you between withdrawals? Beg for your support, as they pass gas from the blood they needled out of your heart? That's a good facebook status. "My childhood heroes are both fucking helpless losers who are killing the rest of my family." Our house is empty. I have no possessions but a bed, phone, and guitar. You'd be frantic too if you needed shelter from your shelter. I hope I forgive the world for its ignorance. I hope I don't murder the next compassionless twat calling for social justice. You think I'm crude, selfish, apathetic? Mayhaps. But my heart was once overflowing with That essence you are shamelessly searching for. Transitions are rarely pretty. I scored a 166 on an IQ test when I was 10. The test was meant for adults 18 and up. None of my family members could come close. The next week I scored a 175. Don't you see the fire that burns so fiercely inside of me? IQ tests back then moreso measured your test taking ability than your individual Mental skills, such as logic, spatial reasoning, and whatever the fuck else our brains Can do. I'm terrified of taking one now, I'm pretty sure I'd barely hit 130 on a single stat. Haha, nahh... There's something crazy about my brain. I can be gullible, and forgetful, and Even downright ignorant. But the raw speed and clarity of my instincts... I can feel my thoughts Faster than I can think them. The challenge of time and rhythm. Ahh. And the yin yang of Logic and Imagination. I can bend and contort the pictures and sounds and smells and feels Around my body. Synesthetia, it's called. The sheer rush of a gunz duel. The overconfidence In chess. The surprises and challenges that I have never quite felt... defeated by. Only inspired. There is literally no one that could validate me. Not even myself. This isn't art, what you're reading. It's culture. It's raw and sincere. I have.. no self esteem. I also have an immense ego. Mostly, I am harmlessly contemplative. The worst I could do is call you a Coward. Like a feline that hides from friends. I take it back, maybe you're retarded, too. I fucking hate people. I hate people as much as I love the grass, the trees, the sky, the stars, the moon, the air, If you only knew the love I am capable of, and understood its intensity. You would dissentigrate. And die. My contempt is likewise. You fucking piece of shit. My house smells like cigarettes and my materials are in your veins.. Over a fucking cunt named andrea. She was an overgrown child, and a user. You "love" her? You handed her your heart and she crumpled it between your fingers. Bah. I'm a mediocre writer. My life is going to be wonderful when I severe my ties Sigh.. am I just one of those emo teenagers being edgy and cursing his family? Its just such a shock. How can literally everyone be a two faced piece of shit? I don't mean everyone. Just most of you... I can't wait for the day I die. But first, I need to have wild, passionate sex and conceive some little problems of my own. Or do I want a harem of ladies from around the world? Decisions, decisions. I might be too sick at this point to be a father. But I think having a child will help me make Right with the world. You know that old saying, "I want to give my kid a life I didn't have." No matter how profoundly genius I find myself at times, I have to say I am very much Dominated with feeling. The chaotic part of life is as vital to me as the structured, Peaceful life. I wish I could share this chaos, but there is no form in which is not disruptive. To my fellow intellectuals and transcendentals, I apologize if I get left behind. No time is wasted, There is observation and wisdom to be extrapolated from every waking moment. It's not a waste for us to depart. It's just two worlds crossing paths. To understand these instinctual urges is to live them, and only then are they truly subdued. To me, a true pacifist is someone that detests violence only after having understood it. Its instant feeling of relief, excitement, and justice. It's to be ALIVE for fuck's sake. There is no drug or orgasm that compares. In today's world, there's no place for blood lust. But it's a part of who we are, just as much as the part that is civil and loving! It's all interwoven. What the fuck does your brain do to make you think blue and red aren't just shades of gray? Since no one's reading this, can I just say my exes are missing out? You guys all sound so bored with your new flings.

Interested in the Uninterested

I love you, {internal female composite}. Except, not really. If I did, I wouldn't get so bitter about you. I know, I acted a fool. I was afraid of losing that positive feeling, and now I'm resentful about it. Love is a kind of acceptance. To borrow from a poet I know, "I'd look the other way, for you. I'd look both ways, for you." I'll admit, I was horny, frustrated, and highly infatuated. But I forced myself to be that way. I didn't really know how a man should act. I still don't know, but more importantly, I don't think it matters how much my masculinity weighs. Being a good, or hell, decent, person is still one of my biggest goals in life. Some day you'll move away, maybe have some kids of your own. They'll be beautiful because they're yours; they'll be wonderful, because they're yours. My interest in you is unhealthy. I know. At first I wasn't even attracted to you. You seemed like the opposite of what I was looking for. But even behind your facade I see someone I genuinely like, and appreciate. I get mad sometimes and want to send something cold hearted your way. Sometimes I just want to come clean and admit I'm hopelessly fixated on you. My dad writes stupid shit like this all the time. Maybe it's something genetic. I know you're not perfect. I know you could turn around and make me feel like shit if it pleased you (and maybe someday it will, shucks). But as long as you're fundamentally that same contemplative, soft-hearted person, I'll always feel something for you. I get so stressed out that I can't think straight. It's hard. A few minutes in your presence would make everything alright. But I just can't bring myself to bother you. With every shred of sense and self control I have, I do my best to let you carry on without discomforting you. Who am I kidding? That's some love right there. Maybe if you read this, you'll pity me and throw yourself at me. It's all I can hope for, I am so desperate. That last bit was a joke, but yknow we can always talk if you're ever down. I think you'd get a kick out of how I honestly feel about you. Maybe someday when we're both with somebody, it won't be so awkward.