(I've basically been autofiring words and thoughts lately. This isn't really "work" as it is relief. Also the first part is moreso about a meltingpot of overwhelming feelings than lamenting over not being able to find THE ONE.)
For what?
For something great to happen.
I haven't felt this way in years. It's beyond romantic heartbreak. Is it not despair?
To be misunderstood. I remain unsolved by companionship. I never expected someone to figure me out.
I wanted to figure me out.
And yet the escapism of two people finding each other distracts me further.
As does the sweet leaf, oh how I love you.
Yin, she isn't on this Earthly plain.
And that dream? In the restaurant, that beautiful woman wearing the red kimono.
Why did she tell me her name?
Why do I still search for a woman, with that name?
Codependency starts with bad parenting.
I'm not fit to be a father. I couldn't handle the strain of looking into my son's eyes
as he calls me worthless. I'd believe him. I'd become worthless.
And one day he'll blame himself for making me such a sorry person, and in turn
apologize to everyone he meets, attempting to make amends.
We're just cycles, right?
Wheels, spinning. That's not right. We're nothing happening.
Every day my head pulses and aches.
I don't have the heart to spill guts. You'd lash out defensively to reassure your way of life. If only I had everything you had, then I'd be happy, right? Because you're happy, right? There are some things in life that you can not work for. That you can not alter beyond superficial means.
You, with all of your growth, you have not seen what that means. You don't understand that your progress becomes meaningless in isolation.
You don't know meaning yet.
Meaning is the most powerful magic at human disposal. Meaning is the foundation and grain of the Universe. It is the force that propels motion and all of its complexity. It is the isolated sound and image of ones own mind. It is the emotion behind reason.
The power of meaning is in the secret of its power. It is a paradox of tangible illusion.
Meaning is the internal exchange of one vast Universe.
And each person, each family, each material connection and relationship, is a form of meaning.
The only meaningless worlds are the ones in our heads. They are ghostly mimes of a world we have already experienced. They lack subtlety and context behind the actions and ideas. To imagine you are president of Earth is not a meaningful world. It is a copy of our world, with gaps between the pieces. Without those vital pieces fully realized, there are no gears to turn these fantasy worlds. No amount of imagination or thought can account for the individual atomic structures of even one misplaced event.
In a way, all things have their place. Humans, people, us, me, you. Our place is together. Without each other, who are we to love, hate, respect, compete with? Our lone selves?
Should I truly spend my entire life believing so firmly in myself? Can't you admit the paradox? Love is selfish. Selfishness is a blackhole of suffering for the rest of the world. The love of food ruins the lives of plants and animals. The love of another confines them to expectations and conditions. For if they want your love, they must compromise who they are.
Spend my entire life, alone. That's what my friend decided to do. I'm considering following suit. Cut off ties and become myself. I'll prove everything to myself, and it will be great. No one is greater than the greatest person I can imagine.
And then what? I've mastered my happiness, life, work. I think that even the Buddha understood the unnecessary pain of such a life. Despite his control, I doubt he could have happily died with his secrets. Never shedding light on another. He had to teach his way; ultimately return to people. His life very much depended on others; whether for their reflection, or for their presence.
Even he could not relinquish his vague, lingering sense of loneliness.
If you need everything spelled out for you; If you believe every impression the world gives you; If everything needs to be expressed semantically, with adherence to your highschool English teacher's standard of communication; If you find personal offense in the world of the abstract;
Then your stability, happiness, and comfort are already forfeit.
Enjoy your 20s, they say.
October 16, 2012
October 10, 2012
digression
rebellion and adrenalin composed my early self. i got a nasty kick out of tormenting my parents. even now such antics loosen up the nerves.
i wonder, how many more sides do i have to pull? stripped of loving kindness, and slowly caked with nihilism. i cant de-evolve, just change. a person is not only all they have done, but they are their environment. their own anger brings hostility to their homes. when i learn not to sound like a condescending jerk, people will stop arguing with me. thats the idea, right?
i kind of like arguments, honestly. that flustered, animal side of you comes out. it shows where your emotions are really coming from with your words. some people get scared by this. i dont like people who are afraid and give in to fear. these are the kinds of people who would stand there if you got the upper hand while getting mugged.
when i give up my juvenile grudges against myself, you know, quit being a masochist, then i will find some proper education. ive always had hard, honest work in mind. i can crack the whip.
someone around me is a monster. that monster breaths down my neck and tells me what he wants me to become. i resist. in time my face, my hair, my voice, and even my... motives... became that monsters.
the worst part about this monster is,
its advice is really good. so you end up loving it
but ultimately it doesnt care, so it eats you anyway.
i wonder, how many more sides do i have to pull? stripped of loving kindness, and slowly caked with nihilism. i cant de-evolve, just change. a person is not only all they have done, but they are their environment. their own anger brings hostility to their homes. when i learn not to sound like a condescending jerk, people will stop arguing with me. thats the idea, right?
i kind of like arguments, honestly. that flustered, animal side of you comes out. it shows where your emotions are really coming from with your words. some people get scared by this. i dont like people who are afraid and give in to fear. these are the kinds of people who would stand there if you got the upper hand while getting mugged.
when i give up my juvenile grudges against myself, you know, quit being a masochist, then i will find some proper education. ive always had hard, honest work in mind. i can crack the whip.
someone around me is a monster. that monster breaths down my neck and tells me what he wants me to become. i resist. in time my face, my hair, my voice, and even my... motives... became that monsters.
the worst part about this monster is,
its advice is really good. so you end up loving it
but ultimately it doesnt care, so it eats you anyway.
October 9, 2012
Quit projecting how you feel into my words. Fuck you.
My parents were superstitious potheads and burned their own supernatural
stories into my head. I've always felt like a spirit was keeping me from reality; as protection of sort. Sometimes I feel
guided by this, others I feel abandoned. Or rather, left to my own
devices.
I was obsessed with horror movies and videogames as a child. Nightmare fuel and rollercoasters were my jones.
Now I quietly wait for nothing to happen, wondering what it is my feelings were meant for.
Some people of mine seem frustrated in my lack of motivation. Oh you're so smart! But why aren't you going to college and accumulating debt so you can get a house and accumulate debt? You can worry about your hobbies and your passions later in life, when you're in debt and taking care of little debt monsters. You must be lazy, they say.
No. I'm just afraid of living a life in the dark. You have such a frightened look on your face when you talk about money; how much you wish you had, how much you spent, how long it took to save x amount, how much more other people have for doing y.
When I think about all of the titles and degrees I could pursue, nothing really speaks out as meaningful. Title alone guarantees jack shit. And passing four to eight years of tests ensures a semantic understanding; not a spacial, visual, theoretical one.
My idols had to jump through hoops to wear little lab coats that let them develop byproducts of military research. There's no money in saving people. They want their dicks in our pockets until the day we die, and will loot our burning corpses when we say "no."
Turn on a television and laugh with those pearly white monkey teeth. Let dramatic music and rhetoric sway your senses and logic. Change your life because your parents cried over the fucking BOGEYMAN.
I'm not saying action is meaningless, or that there is nothing to stand for. I'm calling you all infighting twats. Gullible pigsheeps. Speak in tongues and spew chunks of dogma. Quit sucking charismatic cock. Slurp slurp slurp. There, do you feel worthwhile now?
I'm ranting like an idiot now. It doesn't matter.
Master every skill. Focus on survival. Learn to question everything. Educate yourself, and don't feel content with your understanding because some beard with glasses marked an "A" on a multiple choice test of yours.
I'll never get a chance to tell anyone anything meaningful. I'm interrupted even now. When my anxiety and frustration call for complete attention to what I'm expressing, it simply isn't allowed.
I'm not going to hold onto hot coals. There will never be a chance for me to calmly "write things out," because those feelings will not be there in their purity. My breathing is stifled. I'm sorry if I become a crockpot someday. It hurts my feelings when something that feels so true is overlooked for traditional ignorance and reassurance.
I'm running out of sand.
I was obsessed with horror movies and videogames as a child. Nightmare fuel and rollercoasters were my jones.
Now I quietly wait for nothing to happen, wondering what it is my feelings were meant for.
Some people of mine seem frustrated in my lack of motivation. Oh you're so smart! But why aren't you going to college and accumulating debt so you can get a house and accumulate debt? You can worry about your hobbies and your passions later in life, when you're in debt and taking care of little debt monsters. You must be lazy, they say.
No. I'm just afraid of living a life in the dark. You have such a frightened look on your face when you talk about money; how much you wish you had, how much you spent, how long it took to save x amount, how much more other people have for doing y.
When I think about all of the titles and degrees I could pursue, nothing really speaks out as meaningful. Title alone guarantees jack shit. And passing four to eight years of tests ensures a semantic understanding; not a spacial, visual, theoretical one.
My idols had to jump through hoops to wear little lab coats that let them develop byproducts of military research. There's no money in saving people. They want their dicks in our pockets until the day we die, and will loot our burning corpses when we say "no."
Turn on a television and laugh with those pearly white monkey teeth. Let dramatic music and rhetoric sway your senses and logic. Change your life because your parents cried over the fucking BOGEYMAN.
I'm not saying action is meaningless, or that there is nothing to stand for. I'm calling you all infighting twats. Gullible pigsheeps. Speak in tongues and spew chunks of dogma. Quit sucking charismatic cock. Slurp slurp slurp. There, do you feel worthwhile now?
I'm ranting like an idiot now. It doesn't matter.
Master every skill. Focus on survival. Learn to question everything. Educate yourself, and don't feel content with your understanding because some beard with glasses marked an "A" on a multiple choice test of yours.
I'll never get a chance to tell anyone anything meaningful. I'm interrupted even now. When my anxiety and frustration call for complete attention to what I'm expressing, it simply isn't allowed.
I'm not going to hold onto hot coals. There will never be a chance for me to calmly "write things out," because those feelings will not be there in their purity. My breathing is stifled. I'm sorry if I become a crockpot someday. It hurts my feelings when something that feels so true is overlooked for traditional ignorance and reassurance.
I'm running out of sand.
September 26, 2012
Oppurtunity
doesn't come very often. Do I believe in fate? Why yes, and no. You see, it's in my nature to believe. But it is also within my mental capacity to believe nothing. I'm flexible like that.
If I took a moment to breath, maybe I'd notice something important happening?
Yes. I see the strokes a bird has to make with its wings. Each muscle adjusting to the wind pressure, so many times per second. I could jump and fly away at any moment. Giving in would be pretty lonely. But I'm not here for company. I'm here to have an experience. Anything goes.
Will I stoop down to a kid some day and say,
"Hey, I hope you don't end up like me."
?
Free will is a property of ignorance. Truth doesn't make a choice.
If I took a moment to breath, maybe I'd notice something important happening?
Yes. I see the strokes a bird has to make with its wings. Each muscle adjusting to the wind pressure, so many times per second. I could jump and fly away at any moment. Giving in would be pretty lonely. But I'm not here for company. I'm here to have an experience. Anything goes.
Will I stoop down to a kid some day and say,
"Hey, I hope you don't end up like me."
?
Free will is a property of ignorance. Truth doesn't make a choice.
August 18, 2012
painkiller
i can't believe the currency for my education was spent on avoiding your lesson and fake medication
you've dug a hole so deep even the people around you need rescue
i'm sorry, i'm so so sorry you keep falling
help me, please
help yourself
you've dug a hole so deep even the people around you need rescue
i'm sorry, i'm so so sorry you keep falling
help me, please
help yourself
sun & moon comparison
This planet's phase has darkened my surface; An eclipse in our path, it seems. I guess I forget how far apart we are. You do burn rather bright.
I took my feet off the ground and lifted my head into the clouds. I stared into the Sun. Its glow was silent and warm. My words crumbled against the cold void, but the light kissed my eyelids. My charred martyred body stands testament to gravity,
not attachment.
I was once told I can't decide what it is I want. It's true. I never have, until that brief moment with life-giving fire.
I took my feet off the ground and lifted my head into the clouds. I stared into the Sun. Its glow was silent and warm. My words crumbled against the cold void, but the light kissed my eyelids. My charred martyred body stands testament to gravity,
not attachment.
I was once told I can't decide what it is I want. It's true. I never have, until that brief moment with life-giving fire.
August 5, 2012
Dialogue Between Monarchs
O: "What do you do when you're missing someone's presence? Like, at least shit wouldn't be so weird if they were around."
M: "Then you just want someone around to ease whatever insecurity/anxiety you feel within yourself. Maybe you shouldn't think of relying on someone to make you feel at ease in the first place. Either way, you should chill. Most of the things you get worked up about don't mean shit once you're dead."
O: "I don't feel much meaning to anything. I feel like a swirling bubble of societal pressure. I don't feel ownership to my choices any more than apples have a substance called "sweetness." Maybe that's a bad analogy. I just see an arbitrary world with flaky moral consequences."
M: "That's why you should work on building your character. That's why you need to stop letting other people make who you are. Societal pressure ain't gonna stop with years. It's only gonna get worse. You gotta be stronger than that."
O: "You Asians, and your character grinding..."
M: "Whatever suits you. You asked for my opinion. Do what you want."
O: "Hey, chill. I know that, or I wouldn't be asking. I get enough people telling me exactly what to say. Your advice is appreciated."
M: "You get enough people telling you exactly what to say? Aren't you asking people for what to say and do?"
O: "No, I'm asking about how people feel so I can relate it to myself. Most people don't know what that means, and assume I'm in need of a copilot. If I thought even one person were idol worthy, I'd take some cues instead of asking. But since people are people, I take their advice as a secondary pair of eyes. I said a lot of shit to you when I was emotional and depressed, but that doesn't require you to assume I'm in constant crisis, or totally helpless, or even capable of feeling comfortable acting out those feelings again. Sorry, You've seemed condescending to me, and that's a reoccurring facet of people I open up to. Not that your constructive criticisms aren't welcome. But you don't have to respond, if I'm asking something that riles you."
M: "No. You want me to listen, I offer my opinion, and when the response I get is belittling "asians and your character building," frankly all I want to say is "Why are you even talking to me?" I'm sure you just want someone to humor you and give you comfort, but I can't fill that role when you frankly offend me. So with your approval, I'd like to refrain from expressing any further thoughts if I may, as I obviously am not saying what you would like to hear. Bye."
O: "I'm sorry? I didn't realize you were generalizing me and assuming my thought processes by a couple things I have in common with your ex. You have more things in common with that psychopath. I don't think of you as some asian, or some woman; you do. I assure you I cared about you, and still do. But if our friendship seems onesided, consider your own policy of solitude and feigned empathy. I can't read your heart or mind. Goodnight, I didn't mean whatever you pictured me snickering about."
O: "I won't come to you anymore. I'm not mad about your opinions, I just think it's shitty to ignore me so easily, given how often I hear you cry about people doing it to you. I'm sorry I was not the perfect, angelic, kitten-person you wouldn't have appreciated to begin with. Thanks for letting me vent, I guess. I thought we were better than this."
M: "Ignore you? ...What are you talking about?"
O: "Oh... Idk. I'll listen to my itunes. Take care of yourself."
M: "Haha, you too."
< 3
M: "Then you just want someone around to ease whatever insecurity/anxiety you feel within yourself. Maybe you shouldn't think of relying on someone to make you feel at ease in the first place. Either way, you should chill. Most of the things you get worked up about don't mean shit once you're dead."
O: "I don't feel much meaning to anything. I feel like a swirling bubble of societal pressure. I don't feel ownership to my choices any more than apples have a substance called "sweetness." Maybe that's a bad analogy. I just see an arbitrary world with flaky moral consequences."
M: "That's why you should work on building your character. That's why you need to stop letting other people make who you are. Societal pressure ain't gonna stop with years. It's only gonna get worse. You gotta be stronger than that."
O: "You Asians, and your character grinding..."
M: "Whatever suits you. You asked for my opinion. Do what you want."
O: "Hey, chill. I know that, or I wouldn't be asking. I get enough people telling me exactly what to say. Your advice is appreciated."
M: "You get enough people telling you exactly what to say? Aren't you asking people for what to say and do?"
O: "No, I'm asking about how people feel so I can relate it to myself. Most people don't know what that means, and assume I'm in need of a copilot. If I thought even one person were idol worthy, I'd take some cues instead of asking. But since people are people, I take their advice as a secondary pair of eyes. I said a lot of shit to you when I was emotional and depressed, but that doesn't require you to assume I'm in constant crisis, or totally helpless, or even capable of feeling comfortable acting out those feelings again. Sorry, You've seemed condescending to me, and that's a reoccurring facet of people I open up to. Not that your constructive criticisms aren't welcome. But you don't have to respond, if I'm asking something that riles you."
M: "No. You want me to listen, I offer my opinion, and when the response I get is belittling "asians and your character building," frankly all I want to say is "Why are you even talking to me?" I'm sure you just want someone to humor you and give you comfort, but I can't fill that role when you frankly offend me. So with your approval, I'd like to refrain from expressing any further thoughts if I may, as I obviously am not saying what you would like to hear. Bye."
O: "I'm sorry? I didn't realize you were generalizing me and assuming my thought processes by a couple things I have in common with your ex. You have more things in common with that psychopath. I don't think of you as some asian, or some woman; you do. I assure you I cared about you, and still do. But if our friendship seems onesided, consider your own policy of solitude and feigned empathy. I can't read your heart or mind. Goodnight, I didn't mean whatever you pictured me snickering about."
O: "I won't come to you anymore. I'm not mad about your opinions, I just think it's shitty to ignore me so easily, given how often I hear you cry about people doing it to you. I'm sorry I was not the perfect, angelic, kitten-person you wouldn't have appreciated to begin with. Thanks for letting me vent, I guess. I thought we were better than this."
M: "Ignore you? ...What are you talking about?"
O: "Oh... Idk. I'll listen to my itunes. Take care of yourself."
M: "Haha, you too."
< 3
July 27, 2012
and Then Played Kashmir!
Ya know, if you're always seeking
you'll never find it. That thing
that completes you
isn't there, don't you get it?
We're hollow, imperfect,
and interesting.
Could we be weird together?
Ourselves?
By all means.
But don't feint me,
I'm delusional enough.
Reminds me of something calm and elegant
I met in my head.
It doesn't exactly have a face
and isn't really anything
but it's
and you've got the same ... nevermind
Ha.
you'll never find it. That thing
that completes you
isn't there, don't you get it?
We're hollow, imperfect,
and interesting.
Could we be weird together?
Ourselves?
By all means.
But don't feint me,
I'm delusional enough.
Reminds me of something calm and elegant
I met in my head.
It doesn't exactly have a face
and isn't really anything
but it's
and you've got the same ... nevermind
Ha.
February 1, 2012
Unresolved
feelings I thought seemed like wounds. Thought they'd just heal off on their own, and leave functional yet visible scars. Maybe they will, maybe they don't have to. I once knew an insatiable state of inferiority; it needed her constant praise and approval. Ah and any of the guys could knock me off center. Fragile home, I suppose. As a person so disruptively addicted to extremes, I find it hard to look into a mirror and see such a bland, meaningless thing. I want beauty, I want horror, and I want it vibrant. Does the smart man see where he is? Thus needing no approval to guide him? I get it. The transparency lifts as you mutter "Look at yourself" from the inside of my left ear.
...I appreciate it, old friend.
...I appreciate it, old friend.
January 19, 2012
Welcome to Web 3.0
The Internet is my home. Yeah, I'm irritated by Protect IP. But I'm not protesting or signing any more petitions. This is a humiliating joke; a distraction at best. You can't own a pattern of electromagnetic charges. It is not a material object that can be stolen.
Entertainment is not a commodity of survival that needs to be labored out of the ground. It does not warrant an industry. If making money off of movies and music became illegal, entertainment would be free again for passion and experimentation. I don't give a fuck if Pixar can't afford sportscars for all of their executives and producers.
I don't think it's sinister to tell artists they don't deserve money for something they should be doing out of their heart. You don't give your parents five bucks every time they do your laundry or cook you dinner, do you?
Now let's pretend that point is moot; If the government flexes its muscles for an industry, that industry no longer has the need to sustain itself or evolve with the market. Controlled natural selection would normally allow cancerous, repetitive entities to die out, so that new and more fitting ones can mend the cracks. Instead, we're going to hold onto that cancer until it kills the country, after which a better one will form.
That's what it's all leading to. The system is too convoluted, the people and politicians have become dissociated, and motivational logic is lost between the splitting of hairs. I wonder, will we relinquish individual freedom for a long fleeted cul-de-sac dream? Or will people equalize in authority and sufficiency?
Anonymous is my voice. Not an endless cycle of four-year Christs.
Entertainment is not a commodity of survival that needs to be labored out of the ground. It does not warrant an industry. If making money off of movies and music became illegal, entertainment would be free again for passion and experimentation. I don't give a fuck if Pixar can't afford sportscars for all of their executives and producers.
I don't think it's sinister to tell artists they don't deserve money for something they should be doing out of their heart. You don't give your parents five bucks every time they do your laundry or cook you dinner, do you?
Now let's pretend that point is moot; If the government flexes its muscles for an industry, that industry no longer has the need to sustain itself or evolve with the market. Controlled natural selection would normally allow cancerous, repetitive entities to die out, so that new and more fitting ones can mend the cracks. Instead, we're going to hold onto that cancer until it kills the country, after which a better one will form.
That's what it's all leading to. The system is too convoluted, the people and politicians have become dissociated, and motivational logic is lost between the splitting of hairs. I wonder, will we relinquish individual freedom for a long fleeted cul-de-sac dream? Or will people equalize in authority and sufficiency?
Anonymous is my voice. Not an endless cycle of four-year Christs.
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