Gotta Keep Holding On

(I've basically been autofiring words and thoughts lately. This isn't really "work" as it is relief. Also the first part is moreso about a meltingpot of overwhelming feelings than lamenting over not being able to find THE ONE.)

For what?

For something great to happen.

I haven't felt this way in years. It's beyond romantic heartbreak. Is it not despair?

To be misunderstood. I remain unsolved by companionship. I never expected someone to figure me out.

I wanted to figure me out.

And yet the escapism of two people finding each other distracts me further.

As does the sweet leaf, oh how I love you.

Yin, she isn't on this Earthly plain.

And that dream? In the restaurant, that beautiful woman wearing the red kimono.

Why did she tell me her name?

Why do I still search for a woman, with that name?

Codependency starts with bad parenting.

I'm not fit to be a father. I couldn't handle the strain of looking into my son's eyes
as he calls me worthless. I'd believe him. I'd become worthless.

And one day he'll blame himself for making me such a sorry person, and in turn
apologize to everyone he meets, attempting to make amends.

We're just cycles, right?

Wheels, spinning. That's not right. We're nothing happening.

Every day my head pulses and aches.

I don't have the heart to spill guts. You'd lash out defensively to reassure your way of life. If only I had everything you had, then I'd be happy, right? Because you're happy, right? There are some things in life that you can not work for. That you can not alter beyond superficial means.

You, with all of your growth, you have not seen what that means. You don't understand that your progress becomes meaningless in isolation.

You don't know meaning yet.

Meaning is the most powerful magic at human disposal. Meaning is the foundation and grain of the Universe. It is the force that propels motion and all of its complexity. It is the isolated sound and image of ones own mind. It is the emotion behind reason.

The power of meaning is in the secret of its power. It is a paradox of tangible illusion.




Meaning is the internal exchange of one vast Universe.

And each person, each family, each material connection and relationship, is a form of meaning.



The only meaningless worlds are the ones in our heads. They are ghostly mimes of a world we have already experienced. They lack subtlety and context behind the actions and ideas. To imagine you are president of Earth is not a meaningful world. It is a copy of our world, with gaps between the pieces. Without those vital pieces fully realized, there are no gears to turn these fantasy worlds. No amount of imagination or thought can account for the individual atomic structures of even one misplaced event.

In a way, all things have their place. Humans, people, us, me, you. Our place is together. Without each other, who are we to love, hate, respect, compete with? Our lone selves?
Should I truly spend my entire life believing so firmly in myself? Can't you admit the paradox? Love is selfish. Selfishness is a blackhole of suffering for the rest of the world. The love of food ruins the lives of plants and animals. The love of another confines them to expectations and conditions. For if they want your love, they must compromise who they are.

Spend my entire life, alone. That's what my friend decided to do. I'm considering following suit. Cut off ties and become myself. I'll prove everything to myself, and it will be great. No one is greater than the greatest person I can imagine.

And then what? I've mastered my happiness, life, work. I think that even the Buddha understood the unnecessary pain of such a life. Despite his control, I doubt he could have happily died with his secrets. Never shedding light on another. He had to teach his way; ultimately return to people. His life very much depended on others; whether for their reflection, or for their presence.

Even he could not relinquish his vague, lingering sense of loneliness.

If you need everything spelled out for you; If you believe every impression the world gives you; If everything needs to be expressed semantically, with adherence to your highschool English teacher's standard of communication; If you find personal offense in the world of the abstract;
Then your stability, happiness, and comfort are already forfeit.

Enjoy your 20s, they say.